And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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