why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
