Just took my morning after pill in the library
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
