My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't turn off my feet"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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