You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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