Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
