i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
