"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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