my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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