my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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