there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
