her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
