you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
