what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
