Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
