Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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