I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
