Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
