Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
