When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
