my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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