My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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