he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
