Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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