I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
