This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
