I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
