I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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