I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
