Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
