No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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