i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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