So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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