whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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