Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
