Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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