you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
