90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want you more than these girls want KFC
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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