They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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