I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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