My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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