Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i out mim tonsoeep
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
