he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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