I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
