i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
