I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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