hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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