Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
