I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
