she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
