Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
