So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
