I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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