I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
